With keeping that apology in mind- here is an interesting fact about me, not only does that actual image and meaning move me to continue adding to my already 16 tattoos but here are two secret sources of motivation that always cross my mind. 

Now I am not sure if you can tell by that first one that I am quite the little trickster when it comes to my role as my mother’s daughter. She’s a forgiving soul that accepts my bratty ways for better or for worse. For the most part my mother will look over the new art and give a heartfelt analysis, with some rather supportive follow up questions. I think deep down inside she knows I am a fairly cautious person that puts thought into everything I set my mind to do.

Moving on to my second motivational reason, feeling the need to hide something that I am proud of and want to show off. Well first off I should say; although tattoos are becoming a tool for my generations to self-identify they can also hinder your professional life should you decide to climb that corporate ladder. I have to say the best way for ME to cover up is to fill my closet full of cardigans, one for each day of the week or colour of the rainbow. I will say that I am fairly happy with the results that the cardigan provides but here are some of the down points to having to cover up while at work, summer time can be hot as hell! Sometimes the length of the sleeve doesn’t cover it all and then there is the final reason, what if I want to show off all these pretty pictures all over my body? I think the best way to determine what works as an individual is to assess your life and what can and will work for you. Perhaps limiting your wardrobe isn’t the best answer, but always keep in mind that although times are different now you still want to keep your best foot forward because first impressions tend to go a long way.

“Please sit down and tell me your name? I am Edward Miles, I know things have been hard for you. You’ve most likely told this story many times already. I won’t ask you again after this but if we can start from the beginning so I can understand the wide spectrum of what happened that would be greatly appreciated.” Edward Miles was a handsome young doctor, he didn’t wear a white jacket and carry a needle so I appreciated his looks more. His eyes were warm and welcoming and his voice was a calm steady hum that made you feel safe at home. I knew I was going to tell Edward everything about what happened that night but I just couldn’t figure out what to say to him.

My wrists felt sore and I used my hands to massage them, the cool metal was a real hindrance and my skin felt dry and cracked here it held me captive. I adjusted my handcuffs and cleared my throat.

“My name is Sadie. I am 42 years old, I am married to Tom Lockley and had been for the last 20 years. You’re going to think I am a crazy person, they all do. I was a happy woman until this summer, you know..what happened. One minute I was choosing the hot spot for our anniversary and the next I was sitting in a cell. Well there are a few pieces of the pie I forgot to add in there, would you like me to go on?

Edward Miles nods and smiles, so I open my mouth and start.

“

There was a silent panic in my house that started in July. It was hot out and at first when I noticed Tom’s strange behaviour I thought the heat was accountable. Tom usually struggled in the heat of the summer; our house became a whirlwind of temperatures. One day it was the arctic and the next it was as slimy as the jungle heat. He was a man that seemed to be going through a lot of changes; I try not to complain too much. Menopause is coming my way one day and he’ll have to do the same for me.

I would have to tell you a little more about this silent panic for you to understand entirely what I mean. Perhaps you could picture yourself at the top of a mountain, the air up there is thin and the realization that you are struggling to breathe hangs in the air above you. You’ve climbed this mountain so you expect to see the fruits of your labour come to full fruition but instead you just feel this overwhelming weight follow you about.

I began to notice this feeling when Tom was home and then when he wasn’t.

The meat on the BBQ smelled perfect. You could smell that as soon as that first bite was cut with a smidge of crispy burnt fat on it and shoved into your mouth it was going to taste like heaven, melting in your mouth. Tom took special care of the steak like usual as I served our friends from next door some cold refreshments. We looked at each other and thought in secret unison; damn we are good at this leave it to beaver shit. Even more secretly I wanted to get my mouth on that drink and feel that cold liquid rush down my throat like a spring river coming back to life.

Tom’s phone alarm broke up my fantasy and I watched him grab his phone from the pants holster. He had read something that changed the entire mood of the evening. I could see his face slowly drop its easy going grin and melt into a frown. He looked up and apologized to us while at the same time excusing himself. I watched him walk away and type furiously at his phone’s keyboard. Something had made his skin turn ghostly, but I had no idea what.

Tom was gone for a solid 25 minutes, which was totally unlike him. So when I came into the study where he was talking on his phone is a very hushed manner, I interrupted him with question that came across both annoyed and suspicious. After all our dinner was cold now and Tom was never one to let our meals go cold. “Tom what is going on? You rushed off leaving Judy and Frank waiting on dinner. It’s cold now!” He seemed startled and hung up the phone right away without saying goodbye to the person on the other line. When he faced me I could see that the pasty white colour of his skin was now flaming red, he had definitely been angry with whoever was on the other line.

He stepped up flustered and smoothed out his shirt. This was the first peculiar thing I noticed Tom do that summer but I can assure you it was only the beginning to my summer from hell.

When I think of the name Sammie I think of a tiny young woman, with a waist that could fit into children’s clothing. I picture her with long blonde hair and bubble gum lips. A man going through an obvious mid-life crisis may think she was the most delicious arm candy to be had. A wife whose husband may think these shameful thoughts would be very suspicious of this girl named Sammie and do everything in her power to find out more about this mysterious girl. This was now my task as the summer crept along.

Sammie began to contact my husband shortly after that hushed conversation in July. Usually I would look at this logically but as I mentioned Tom began to exhibit some very strange behaviour during this time and it had begun to make my stomach turn.

We sat in our breakfast nook on a beautiful Saturday morning reading the paper. I could hear the ocean in the distance and its cool breeze wafted through our open windows. I was looking for the perfect venue for our upcoming wedding anniversary and Tom sipped his orange juice while scanning over the business section. Our housekeeper swept around the table gathering our breakfast dishes. Tom flipped the page of his paper and stopped dead in his tracks. The look from that one late afternoon was back, I could tell whatever he was looking at shocked him. His phone that sat beside him began to gently hum with a notification of a text message, a moment after the first message came in another one rang off. He picked up his phone with an unsteady hand and viewed the text. He shook his head angrily and pounded at the keyboard. “Excuse me darling” Tom said in a hushed whisper and got up from his seat. I smiled and watched him hurry away. It wasn’t like Tom to have secrets. We were a very communicative couple that did their best to keep to that all these years. What could he be hiding from me now? I reached across the table and pulled his paper close to me. The news banner of the business section had printed the headline ASHLEY MADISON HACKERS NOW SEND OUT THE FIRST LIST OF NAMES ON THE STOLEN DATABASE. 

My heart sank.

I am not a stupid woman, nor am I naïve to worldly news stories and their impact around the world. Ashley Madison.com had come under some light recently when a group of hackers had made claims they had stolen their roster and planned to share it around the world. Everyone was talking about it here and there. I tried to clear my head and think things clearer. Was it possible for my loving husband of twenty years to be having an affair? The wheels in my stomach began to churn and I leapt from the table to make it to the bathroom in time. Breakfast was coming back up.

The waves of panic began soon after this thought had crept into my mind. Tom no longer mentioned his phone calls to me, we hardly spoke about anything anymore. His phone would go off and that was his cue to leave. I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Sammie was the first clue I received.

The light flashed on as I was walking up to bed. Tom’s cell phone that had been highly guarded up until that point sat on the kitchen table. He must have had forgotten it before going to bed. I stayed up late to watch the news and was just wandering to bed. The name SAMMIE came up, instantly I thought of boobie tassles, my heart began to race. Was I just a foolish woman that felt too safe in her marriage? Tom and I had a good relationship and perhaps paranoia was taking over. I shook my head as if to unclutter the poisonous thoughts that were gathering and slowly picked up the phone. I pictured SAMMIE signing off her messages with kiss lips and a heart above the “i”. I pictured my Tom smiling as he looked at her image on his phone. Maybe she had even sent him sleazy pictures of her half clothed body lounging around suggesting him to come have her. I couldn’t shake the terrible images, and I couldn’t get into his phone. I couldn’t quite remember how many tries you had until the phone was prompted to lock. I stopped at two, better to be safe than sorry. I put the phone down and smoothed my nightgown down and walked away. It had been two weeks since the newspaper headline had knocked me out of my socks and I was desperately trying to forget it. SAMMIE had brought it all back with a sickening wrench of my heart. I know I sound dramatic, but it really did feel catastrophic.

The next morning I slept in late, the summer months allowed me to be a little more liberal with time in the office. Tom and I both had founded successful businesses and as I grew older I felt the need for me to run the business in its daily operations was less important. As I stretched out and opened my eyes I remembered the secret text meant only for Tom to see. This realization shot me out of bed. I could hear some commotion from in the backyard. Tom swam laps every morning when the weather permits. The splash of the water indicated he had just dived into the pool, a nice crisp execution as always. There was a nice floral scent in the air, and the rose garden was in full bloom that draped the entrance to the pool.

“Morning Darling” I called down and waved to him, he looked up and smiled that handsome smile of his, the one that had truly won me over. “Can I get you some coffee or breakfast?” I bellowed as I gathered my silk house coat off the chair and wrapped it around me. I was also searching for his phone. I had left it where it was last night but maybe with Tom distracted I could have a closer look. Possible passwords swirled around my head as I crept down the stairs. I felt like a secret spy, a ninja. I smiled a little at this realization. I approached the kitchen with a cool casual walk and saw right away that the phone had been moved. I began to scan the rest of the room to see where it could be moved to. No luck at all. I walked outside and smile at Tom, shielding my eyes from the sun to distract him from seeing my distressed look.  “Good Morning Beautiful woman” Tom said has he swam to the edge of where I stood. Our pool is quite the little oasis, if you can picture elegance meets deserted island that would be the best description. “Heya handsome” I replied back with a sweet tone, I didn’t want to alarm Tom that I was suspicious of him. “Would you mind to grab me my towel” and he pointed to our yellow stripped pool chairs.

Doctor Miles clears his throat, “the yellow chairs you mention, these were the ones where most of the blood was discovered. Can you tell me how it ended up there?” I snapped out of the trance from telling him my story. It all seemed so vivid, just like I was back there living it over again. I guess it was time to get to the point. I look out the window and take a deep breath.

             

   The rest of July was in fact hell. Everything that I had mentioned earlier had excessively progressed. Tom had even cleared a large sum of money from one of his accounts and hid it elsewhere in one of his offshore piggy banks. All I know is that I wasn’t once explained to what was happening. August hit and instead of our usual BBQ nights and evenings out we kept out of the heat and hid indoors, the long halls of our home echoed much more than usual and the silent panic wrapped around us like a blanket.

This takes us to the night we are discussing and the rain was a rather ironic addition to my story, but it stormed hard that night.

Tom was sitting in his chair after dinner, the dim lighting was accented by a bright shot of lightning outside. I jumped and he looked over and smiled at me, the thunder cracked moments later. Tom looked handsome tonight, and I wanted us to get closer and maybe make a fire. It had been a long time since we had done that. I picked up the remote and put some soft jazz on, when the rain started falling it was actually quite pretty.

“Was it then when you first met Sammie?” Dr. Miles asked. He was polite but I could feel his curiosity building. “Yes Mr. Miles, she was soaking wet and looked just as beautiful as I had pictured.”

The long banging on the door made me jump again. Tom jumped too. I went to get up and he ushered me to sit down. I looked nervously at the front hall and he walked calmly to answer it. Once the door was unlocked she sprung through the door immediately. Tom was in shock, “Sammie what are you doing here, you’re soaking wet dear!” Dear? My eyes and brain didn’t want to work so well together and I couldn’t place the soaking girl in our foyer to the word dear. Sammie broke the silence and began to sob. “Daddy! I am so sorry to just barge in but they are demanding the money tonight. I only have two hours to gather it all together. Daddy I am scared. I need your help right now!” Tom welcomed her into his arms. I still couldn’t add her words together for anything to make sense but I slowly began to solve the puzzle. Sammie was not his lover, Sammie was his daughter. What the hell was I missing here? I decided not to stand there in that paralyzed state any longer and ran to the laundry room to grab a dry towel. When I handed it to her Sammie was grateful and stopped her crying for a moment. Something wasn’t right about her, I couldn’t see an ounce of resemblance of Tom in her. Tom left her where she stood and went back to the door that stood open as rain collected at the doorway. I asked her if she wanted to follow me into the living room and she agreed.

The next sound could have been taken for lightning, I am sure Tom felt that he had been electrocuted at best. I looked back and a man with a large gun stood in our doorway. He firmly closed the door. Sammie left my side and rushed over to him. “Jesus Rob it took you long enough!” she scoffed. He brushed her off and kicked Tom’s fallen unconscious body to the side. Blood leaked from a cut around his eye and that is when the terror struck me.

“You ended up outside Sadie, do you remember outside at all?” I closed my eyes and tried to remember. There was a whole lot of nothing there when I tried to see what happened. I shook my head no. Tears began to well up in my eyes again. I hated this part of the story. “Tom’s body was found outside, propped in a chair by your pool Sadie. You were covered in only his blood, perhaps if you try to remember it will come back. But if you cannot remember I must tell you what I am about to tell you will be a very hard thing to hear. When they found both of you, you had a large knife in your hand. The knife matched the wounds on Tom’s body. There was no forced entrance nor was there any water or water marks found in your entrance way. You were in quite a trance and kept murmuring the name Sammie. Who I must let you know does not exist, nor does a tall mysterious man named Rob. On your surveillance camera there were no guests that evening and to top it all off, no texts during July or August that came from a caller named Sammie. This leaves us with reason to believe that she did not exist.”

I shook my head no. The tears began to flow and that is when he said the last words that will haunt me forever.

“Tom is dead Sadie. And you killed him.”